Passed Away
by Miles Above My Head
Summary: Story by request! Natara loses her best friend. Can Mal help get her back on her feet?
1. The Crash

**Okay, so hi guys. I haven't posted in a while as I've been really busy with choosing classes and such for next year. I'm going to be a junior in high school next year and (as my teachers remind me daily) that's supposedly the most important year of high school. So it's been a lot of pressure, but in that stressful, anxiety-causing mess I found some light! I finally discovered what I would like to do after college! Okay, so in college I plan to get a Master of the Arts degree in Professional Writing (hopefully at the University of Southern California, but I have backup options as well), and then I want to become...**

_**a freelance writer.**_

**I'm not going to get into details here, but yes, that's my final decision.**

**So anyway, this is a story I'm writing by request of _diamondsintheroughhh. _It's a really amazing story idea and I'm so excited to see where it goes! If anyone else has story requests, please don't hesitate to leave a comment about the idea or PM me if you have an account and I'd be MORE than happy to try it out! I love you guys so much, thank you for every comment you've ever submitted to me, every PM I've ever gotten, and thank you so so much for encouraging me to write. You guys are the best and have influenced a lot of my future as have my friends, family, and teachers. Thank you all(:**

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><p>Talia let the breeze rustle her hair as she leaned out of the open car window. It was a perfect autumn morning and next to her in the driver's seat was her best friend, Natara Williams. Natara hardly ever had time to go for drives like this to places unknown, what with her career taking up much of her time. It used to be one of their favorite things to do, going on long car trips to unknown destinations, just enjoying the day, before she and Natara went their separate ways in career choices. She never understood why her friend took such a risky job, but had learned long ago to not badger her about it: her father did enough of that. Even so, Talia brought it up that morning:<p>

"Nat, I'll never understand why you chose a job that could kill you any day now."

Natara sighed and looked over at her friend tiredly. "You do know everything we do is a risk right? Crossing the street is risky, but we do it anyway because we have to get places. There's just a fine line between reasonable risks, like getting out of bed, and unreasonable risks, like-"

"Like putting yourself in close proximity to serial murderers?" Talia finished. "Yeah, I'd rather take a reasonable risk like driving here with you today than worry about my best friend dying at work. I mean honestly, what are the chances I die from crossing the street?"

"Fifty people a day in the UK…" Natara began.

"It was rhetorical, Nat. And anyway, I think most drivers here would watch and be wary of pedestrians."

"Yeah, maybe. But not if they're…"

A series of crashes assaulted their eardrums as a car smashed into them and cars driving behind them piled up, sandwiching them in the center.

"_Talia are you alright?_" Natara gasped, being crushed by the steering wheel slammed against her chest. The airbag had failed her.

"Yeah," she breathed. "Yeah I'm still here…"

An open window had killed her. Talia survived the crash, Natara felt relieved. But moments after Talia had uttered her last sentence, an object hurtled through her open window at full speed, smashing into her skull, murdering her through brute force.

People can drag out explaining the details of someone's death. They can exaggerate it; they can repeat themselves. They can tug at your heartstrings so you pity them, but when it truly comes down to the facts, that's all death is: quick. Death happens in the blink of an eye, one minute someone could be suffering, fighting for their life, or just minding their own business enjoying the warm sun on their face, and then they blink and they're gone. People tend to admit they fear dying when, in fact, that is a blunt lie. Most people do not fear dying itself, they fear the pain, the unknowing, they truly fear the fear itself. What happens after you die? Only someone who has already died can answer that for us. Is dying painful? Not dying itself. Dying is falling asleep from life; dying is being put into a permanent, irreversible slumber. You may suffer before you die, yes. Cancer, epilepsy, car accidents, you name it, it can be painful. But that's not dying, that's living. The fact of the matter is that life is painful, and for some it just ends with that pain.

When you lose someone close to you, sometimes the events of that particular day become a blur. Sometimes you forget little details because your mind was so preoccupied with having to be sad, having to cry, having to feel the pain that your body is too numb to feel. For Natara, she remembered bits and pieces. She remembered sirens, being pulled out of the crushed, claustrophobic wreck of a car, people identifying her when she couldn't form a coherent sentence to answer the questions on her identity. She remembered more police from San Francisco had showed up not long after, as they were just outside of the city. They recognized her immediately. One thing she remembered and still didn't fully understand was the first thing they said when they saw her was "Call Mal."

She didn't really assess these events until much, much later. Her esoteric brain collected the details, pushing them away until she could contemplate them. She knew Mal showed up and as he held her she began to sob. Her brain reminded her it was okay for her partner to see her cry, and that she was safe now. But that was just an instinct, really. Her brain was only telling her one thing.

_Her lifelong best friend was dead._


	2. The Depression

It wasn't a void exactly. Yes, something was missing in her heart, but it wasn't a void. She imagined a 'void' being large, vast. A large vacancy in her heart that was irreplaceable. But losing her best friend wasn't a void. It was like her whole heart had fallen and was now residing in her lower stomach. She couldn't even feel anything anymore.., metaphorically speaking. She knew Mal was there, and he was helping considerably. Her brain vaguely told her to pull herself together because he was important, that he shouldn't be seeing her like this, but when she tried to wipe her tears away she just collapsed back into his arms, sobbing again. It didn't help either when he tried to wipe tears away from her face, which she knew she should have liked, but she couldn't feel anything but anger and pain so she slapped his hand away angrily and he sobered up, patting her back instead of trying to help much more.

Time passed rapidly. The hours changed from 9 to 12 to 7 within minutes to Natara. She doesn't remember if they ate or not, all she remembers is sitting in Mal's arms. He stayed with her, letting her ruin his button-down blue shirt with her tears until it was completely soaked through. The shirt was her favorite shade of blue; she loved when he wore it, but right now she didn't care at all. He'd brushed her tearful apologies off – why couldn't she do anything right? She killed her best friend, she ruined Mal's shirt, she let him see her as a wreck, and she couldn't even apologize for it all. Eventually, Mal stood up, and she knew he was about to leave her like everyone else had for screwing everything up so badly.

"Bye," she managed to choke out as he stood and she flopped down, hugging her knees.

Mal gave her a skeptical look. "I'm just getting you food from the kitchen. You haven't eaten in a day and a half. Natara," he carefully sat back down on the edge of the bed. "You have to keep living."

She nodded so he stood back up and left to get her food which, if she was honest with herself (even though she didn't want to be honest at the moment), she was dying for. Her stomach was growling and she was feeling a bit lightheaded. Her blood sugar was low, and she hadn't even given food a single thought. Had it really been a day and a half? Mal was right. She had to control herself. Bottle it all up, not tell him or anyone else, and keep living.

"Natara," Mal walked back in the room. "I'm making you some Ramen noodles, okay?"

She took a deep breath, looked up, and smiled at him. As she crawled off the bed, she answered, "That'd be great, Mal. Thank you so much." And she gave him a great big hug, letting her fake grin spread from ear to ear to hide the pain and stem her tear flow.

He smiled and hugged her back, seeing real progress in her recovery. That was the beginning of the depression.


	3. The Getaway

The sun slowly peeked over the horizon and slipped past the curtains covering the motel room's window. As it assaulted her eyes, forcing them open, Natara sighed. She'd woken up again. She was alive. What would today bring, more pain? She picked up her phone from her side table and saw Mal had called twice, worrying about her no doubt. Checking the time, she saw it was already eight.

Her plan came back to her and hit her with the force of a bullet, giving her the dull beginning of a full-on migraine. _Pretend to be okay_, her brain reminded her. _Tell him you're okay. You have to live. _So she called him back.

After a greeting, Mal told her he was at work, apologizing. But that was fine, because she wanted to go back. She was okay; she was ready. He'd be there to pick her up in a few minutes – her motel wasn't far from the station. He sounded suspicious, doubtful, and worried when he hung up, and Natara realized she hadn't been putting a lot of effort into the act.

She got dressed quickly, combing through the rat's nest that had replaced her hair in the past three days. When he knocked on her door and she answered, she kissed him swiftly on the cheek and smiled at him happily. Who ever said she couldn't act?

It was harder at the station. She tried to throw herself wholeheartedly into their case, but it was hard, forgetting. It had been three days, definitely not proper time for a full recovery. Mal noticed.

"Do you want to go home?" He gave her the anxious look she hated, like she might unexpectedly collapse at any given moment.

She said she was fine and they went back to their work, Mal analyzing her with more focus than the crime scene pictures they were examining. It just made it harder to hide the tears her eyes were dying to release.

Halfway through the day, she gave up. Did you ever have that feeling where you just don't care anymore? You just give up entirely, and decide it doesn't matter what other people think anymore, you're just going to do what you want to, what your heart wants you to do, and if someone notices and judges you, who cares anymore?

Natara walked into the empty crime lab – Kai and Amy were on the scene at a newfound murder across town – and collapsed in the corner, hugging her knees to her chest. The tears flowed down her face as she whispered to herself, "I'm not really okay. Sometimes I wish someone really would notice."

And notice he did. She didn't know he'd followed her, but Mal slipped in through the door and slid onto the floor, putting an arm around her.

"You're not okay."

No, she wasn't, she admitted.

It was silently that he took her hand and pulled her to her feet, taking her to the captain's office.

Mal requested two months off for him and Natara both, and for once, Captain Yeong complied immediately, dismissing them with the flick of a hand. She usually didn't allow an officer to take an extended leave without a major loss like Natara's, but she let it slide with Mal. This was serious.

Natara continued to slide into her self-induced depression, even with Mal as her ally and friend, and he knew it. Eventually, he realized she couldn't do this anymore. She thought he was going to take her to an asylum or somewhere of the sort when he made her pack her things and get into his car.

They drove for three hours straight; Natara didn't know in what direction or to where. Eventually they pulled up to a rural area, in a part of California Natara didn't recognize, only having been out of the greater San Francisco area a handful of times.

Mal stopped the car and walked around it to open Natara's door. When she got out, she drank in the beautiful scenery and gasped.

"Well?" Mal smiled down at her. "What do you think?"

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><p><strong>Any guesses on where they are?(:<strong>


	4. The Horse Farm

**I'm really sorry I haven't been around much, guys. I've been really busy and when I wasn't doing schoolwork, I was writing a _LOT_ of poetry because I've been really depressed and anxious lately, but it's helped. I had a whole lot of fun writing this chapter and I really missed writing this story and all of my fanfics!**

**Please enjoy and review!;***

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><p>The air was clear, free of pollution. The sun was beginning to set, causing an array of colors in the sky to assault Natara's eyes. A house rested on the edge of the property, looking cozy sitting there, as if it had sprung up with the very grass and trees and belonged there. Horses milled around inside of large fenced areas and a barn was visible in the distance. The grass looked greener than any Natara had ever seen, and the intense color almost hurt Natara's eyes after the muggy city. She knew Mal was smiling, watching her eyes bulging and waiting for her reaction, but she couldn't tear her eyes from the scenery. It was the most pure, heavenly scene that had ever met her eyes, and it was calming, serene, and beautiful.<p>

Finally, Mal spoke. "It's my uncle's old horse farm. He moved away to New York City a while back, so it's pretty much abandoned. He still owns it though. He said we could hang out here for a while. The country is really healing and calming, isn't it?"

Natara nodded, understanding immediately as she smiled her first true smile in weeks. "It's so…peaceful," she whispered.

Mal put his arm around her shoulders and pulled her closer to him, holding her there. It made her feel safer somehow. She knew it was ridiculous and illogical, but she finally understood the expression of feeling safe in someone's arms, like nothing could hurt you. She consequently began to list the many things that could indeed still hurt her, and realized that this was probably not the best thing to be doing at the moment.

Mal kept one arm around her and picked up her suitcase with the other, walking inside in this manner. It wasn't like she felt better, she still was weighed down by a two hundred pound weight on her heart, but inside that crushed heart, butterflies emerged. A sign of hope.

Mal led her upstairs to her bedroom and dropped the suitcase there. She walked in and he watched her from the doorway, a curiously worried expression on his face.

"I'm…I'm sorry it's so small…" he said, as she faced the wall opposite the doorway, studying all of the furniture. "And the bed and dresser and desk…they're pretty old. I…I didn't have time to get new furniture… The wallpaper is sort of flowery…I didn't think you'd like it…but I didn't have t-"

She slowly revolved back around, now facing him, a huge smile plastered on her face, causing him to falter. His worried expression cleared. "Mal, this is beautiful," she sighed. "Thank you!" She ran to him and did a movie-worthy jump into his arms, crushing him in a hug. He held her in the air like that, as they held onto each other like lifelines for several long moments.

"So…you don't mind that it's not…not really what you'd…" Mal stuttered out again.

"Mal, it's _perfect_. I _love_ it."

"It was…" Mal hesitated. "It was my sister's room. Back when we were little and we'd come to stay here with my dad." He gazed around the room again. "I miss that."

"This room holds a lot of memories for you, doesn't it?"

"Yeah, well, my sister and I fought a lot at home, but when we came here it was like all wars were off. Sometimes I'd come in here from my room at night and we'd just talk like we were best friends. Those were the best times I ever had with my sister: just talking about mom, and dad, and school. Just finally getting to connect, you know?"

"Mal, maybe I shouldn't sleep in here. It holds a lot of value with you… I don't want to mess anything up..," she looked around like standing there may cause the whole room to collapse. "I wouldn't want anything to…"

Mal smiled. "Natara, this room does mean a lot to me. But so do you. I wouldn't want anyone to stay in it but you."

She smiled and hugged him again. He said, "I'll be in my old room right down the hallway; try and get some sleep. If you don't, that's okay. I know you've been having trouble sleeping." She looked down. How had he known _that_? "But that's okay. We're just on one big extended vacation here." She smiled. "But if you don't get sleep, and you're not up by 8:00am tomorrow, I'm eating all of the breakfast."


	5. The Barn

**Just a little background, one of the signs or symptoms of depression is getting angrily at people easily, so if it seems like Natara is overreacting, she can't really help it.**

**Sorry for Mal's incredibly lame jokes. I'm really sorry about that. lmfao**

**Sorry for the sappy story Mal tells. Yeah, it was supposed to relate to him and Natara subtly. But it just wasn't so subtle. Okay, yeah, anyway.. READDD(:**

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><p>The smell of bacon aroused her from her sleep. Mal had been right: she was having trouble sleeping lately. The nightmares haunted her constantly after she finally managed to fall asleep. She estimated she had drifted off somewhere around sunrise. The clock blinked 11:47. Oops. She slipped out of the bedroom, mentally slapping herself for missing breakfast, but to her delight, Mal was sitting casually in a chair with eggs and bacon in front of him.<p>

"Hey," Natara said, and he jumped, turning around. "Thought you'd be done eating by eight?"

"Me too," he smiled and gestured towards a chair. "And yet four hours later, and here we are. Eggs?"

"Sure, thanks. Hey, I have a question… You brought me here and you're being so sweet…why? I mean, I know we're friends and all, but…"

"Wanna hear an egg joke?" Mal cut in, mouth full.

"What? No…?"

"Aww but it's got an _egg-cellant_ punch line!"

"_Mal…!_"

"I'm baconing you to laugh here!"

"One, that doesn't even sound like 'begging,' and two…"

"Aw, c'mon, Nat. I'm just _yoking_ around…"

"Mal stop!"

"I thought that one would _crack_ you up!"

Natara stood up, irritated, and stormed out, slamming the screen door behind her. When Mal got outside, he saw her striding towards the bard.

"Natara! Natara, stop. Come back here." He broke into a run. "Natara Williams, _come here!_"

When he finally caught up to her, she was already in the barn, her hands resting on a wooden gate, behind which a horse was standing. She was either ignoring him or hadn't heard him come in yet. He stood in the doorway, eyes on the horse as well. It looked frightened, scared, and tired. It looked depressed.

Natara still hadn't turned around, so he crept up behind her and slid his arms around her waist. She jumped and turned around, but he didn't let go yet.

"Mal, stop. Let me go. Leave me alone." She tried to work her way out of his grasp.

"Not until you talk to me," he smiled and pulled her closer, causing her to gasp slightly and her heart to beat just barely noticeably quicker. "Something's wrong."

"No."

"I know you're still upset."

"So?"

"So something more is wrong. Do you need help?"

"No."

"You need to see a professional."

"No."

"You just need to talk about it?"

"No."

"Will you talk to me?"

"No."

Mal smiled slightly, "You're talking to me right now."

Natara put her head down and tried to pull away again. It wasn't easy to hide your tears when you were inches away from someone that made it really hard to lie to them.

"C'mon Nat. Are you depressed?"

She broke out of his grasp finally and collapsed back onto a bale of hay.

"No," she said, a bit too forcefully.

"Is that a yes?" Mal asked.

"No."

"So that's a yes then?"

"No."

"So you're depressed?"

"MAL SHUT UP!"

"Yeah, that's a yes."

Natara scowled and looked down as he sat down on the hay next to her, putting his arm around her.

"It's okay to be depressed."

"I'm not depressed."

"No, you're also in denial."

"No."

"The first step is accepting you have a problem."

"Look who's being profound today."

"I'm always profound!"

"Fine, then," she smiled slightly. "Look who's being smart today."

"Thank you… Hey!"

Natara laughed and hugged him. "Fine. Fine, I guess I'm depressed."

"How come?"

"Mal, my best friend died right before my eyes and I could have died too!"

"But you could die any day, why that day?"

Natara looked up at him and frowned. "That was the day my best friend died. It made it more real.."

Mal thought a minute and then responded, "You know, when I was little, my sister was depressed too."

"Yeah?" Natara sniffled.

"Yeah. She cut too. It was bad. She even attempted suicide once. When my dad found out, he went crazy. He took her to a therapist and requested all kinds of medication, but it turned out she just needed to talk to the therapist about our mom. Then she was pretty much back to being herself. There were times she was still upset and everything, but she helped out me too. She told me things her therapist had told her which helped me out a lot too. When my sister was going through that, she lost a lot of her friends. Her boyfriend broke up with her. No one wanted to talk to the depressed girl that self-harmed and didn't want to be alive. No one wanted to understand what she was going through or try to help in any way. They all just abandoned her."

"What'd she do?"

"It wasn't what she did; it was what Phil Bronco did. He was this nerdy boy that only had a few friends. He saw how upset she was. Nobody talked to her anymore, which was a big change from being so popular. None of her friends had stuck around and she ate lunch alone. One day, he went up and sat with her at lunch. He really gave her hope and even though he was a nerdy boy that she would've have usually paid any attention to, they became best friends."

Natara smiled, "That's so sweet."

"Now my niece is so happy, living with her mom and her dad, Phil Bronco."

"Aww!" Natara sighed. "That's such a sweet story. I wish my life was that normal. What'd he say to give her hope?"

"Well, first he annoyed her a lot. He told corny jokes and she got mad and almost walked away. But then, he started asking her questions which also irritated her, but eventually, she admitted that she had mild depression. Then he told her a story about his mom, who was dead, who had depression her whole life. It caused his mom and dad to actually meet and become closer. Even something as horrible as depression could bring people together into happiness."

"I think that horse over there is depressed," Natara said thoughtfully, discreetly changing the subject. "It looks upset."

"You should help it out."

"Yeah I…" she trailed off into thought. "No, I can't."

"Why not?"

"Talia and I used to love riding horses together. She loved to ride the white horses because they gave her the impression that she was riding on a cloud." Natara and Mal both gazed over at the white horse, eying the intruders skeptically.

"That's okay if you aren't ready yet, Nat," Mal told her. "We'll be here for a while."

"Mal?"

"Yeah?"

"That story you just told…"

"Mhmm?"

"Nevermind."


	6. The Flowers

Every morning she had breakfast with Mal. Then they'd head out and work on the garden they were planting together which, Natara had to admit, she quite enjoyed. She never thought she was one for gardening, but Mal made it fun. That is, if you consider fun getting dirt playfully thrown at you, which she did because it was Mal and when he did it, it just happened to be adorable. After gardening, Mal would take her inside and make her lemonade, or orange juice, or anything else she requested and they'd sit for a while in the cool kitchen after being out in the sun all morning. They'd have lunch around noon, or whenever they were hungry. It generally consisted of hot dogs, or pizza, or burgers, which, Natara noted, weren't the healthiest choices, but whatever. It was called vacation for a reason.

In the afternoon, Mal tended to some of the horses or went shopping to a country store a few miles away for more food and supplies. Natara usually sat on the porch and read a book while he was gone. She felt infinite, like this would be her schedule forever. What killed her most was that it could be. She could tell Mal she just wanted to stay here forever, make up with her dad and his money would support them. They could live this life forever.

That would be weird. Not working, living with her best friend who had a crush on her – wait, why'd she just say that? Mal didn't like her…well he did but she denied it to herself. It was just too odd, knowing she was staying in the same house as someone that clearly liked her - a lot.

But she knew it wasn't infinite, nothing good in her life lasted. That was why it didn't matter if she broke her usual pattern. So today, when Mal went to pick up some more groceries, she went to the barn to admire that horse. Recalling how Talia always wanted a daughter named Bailey, she decided to honor her by calling that horse Bailey, because Talia would've loved her. Talia did love white horses.

"Hey Bailey," she said, cautiously approaching the horse. "How're you doing?"

She stopped trying to get closer, afraid she would scare her newly beloved horse.

"Did you come here from far away? Were you abused?" The horse stared blankly at her. "Did you lose someone you loved too?"

A tear trickled down Natara's face as the horse stared at her intently now. She felt like she was connected with this horse, like Bailey was listening to all of her problems and worries and ready to help. She began to walk towards the horse again. She reached her hand out carefully and…

The horse bolted.

Natara fell backwards in shock as it darted past her and straight out of the barn. Luckily, Mal was right about to walk in the door and he ran to her.

"Nat! Are you alright? Are you hurt?"

"I just…" she faltered, trying not to take the horse's reaction personally because she knew it wasn't her fault at all. "I just wanted to help her." A tear trickled down her face and Mal wiped it away.

"Aw don't worry. Just take it slower next time, okay? Trust me; I've been around horses my whole childhood and my uncle's had quite a lot of formerly abused ones. They come around."

"I know Mal, I'm not an idiot. But I was just trying to help…"

"Hey, hey now, don't shout at me. Your voice sounds a little _hoarse_ already," Mal smiled his twinkling smile at her.

"Not funny. Not at all." And with that, she stood up, pushed off Mal's effort of help and comfort, and stormed out and off towards the house.

Mal grudgingly followed her lead, stopping just outside the barn doors. He bent down and started scooping up squished and trampled flowers and then the paper they had been wrapped inside of.

In all the commotion, Natara hadn't gotten to see the bouquet Mal had brought home for her.


End file.
